WHORE!

slut.

if you don't know what i mean.
ignore this.
really.


when you think about it, its some sketch blog, the only thing they can do is figure out if she sent nick pictures.
i highly doubt that the sex emails are real.
who in their right mind wouldn't save that, especially some scummy hacker.
and i m extremely angry.
nicks reputation may never be good again if this gets blown up.
if she pulls him down into this.
i will...i don't know...but seriously, i have lost every ounce of respect i had for her.
i respected her after the 7thngs video cause that took balls.
but now, now she has to start from scratch to get in my good graces.
i know she doesn't need to please everyone but to earn my respect back she has A LOT of shit to clean up.
this is all such a load of shit, srrsly, this hacker, who i am just as angry with, is making me second guess nick, and his purity, only a little. but still. i hate second guessing and the fact that this is making me second guess the ONLY thing in the world that was a constant to me PISSES ME OFF.
GAH!
SCREW HACKERS!
SCUM OF THE WORLD!


i'm done.
a rant was necessary.

jonas post. im sorry im lame.

so.
its the official first day of summer vacation.
and if you are gonna get mad at this for being a jonas post stop reading.
so this is a very jonas oriented summer and i could not be happier about it.
i feel it comng.
idk why.
but seriously im gonna meet and befriend the jonas brothers.
call me naieve.
call me a freak
call me a stalker.
but i, my friend, am none of those things.
im driven; and determined, and i REALLY want to be their friend.
i dont know why, its not for the fame, its cause they feel like my best friends and i want to see if it happens.
:]


alright im done.
but these boys...

are gonna make my summer great.

i am a horrible friend.

i mean really,
even if this isn't my fault.
i shouldn't have.
gar.
this sucks.
i might have cost us all the concert.
idc.
dont make me feel better.
i should feel horrible.
its not fair to everyone else.
especially torrey, i suck.
torrey, if you read this.
im sorry.
it is all my fault.
really it is.
:[[[[[[[



sorry guys.
i suck at friendship.
end of post.

it can happen.

im gonna be optimistic on this one.
reality is it probably won't happen, the numbers are just too strong against me. but i want to try for something i want to be passionate about something again. and this is what its gonna be. im gonna do it. and im gonna go all out. this is what i want. i can't tell you why. but i think it has something to do with proving myself i can do something if i try hard enough. i realize that i am probably the least likely of the three of us, but i dont care. and thats not me fishing for compliments. but yeah im gonna make SOMETHING happen. no matter what, somehtng WILL happen.
gah!
asjdfaslfkjeiwalksfn
SHARE THE TALENT?!


done.

"therapy is a load of shit"

and so is that.
therapy is fantastic.
yes everyone, i'm in it! fun shit but you know what. i love that woman. she made me feel so much better, and really now i know what happened. why i fucked up. and how to fix it. i mean really this woman knows me better than i know myself. but i just thought i would elaborate a little. apparently, i tried to rebel, tried to show my parents that i'm not perfect, and it worked, and now i get to fix it. which i will, and you know how cool this woman is? she basically told me to go drink, try pot, tell my parents im going one place and really go to another. an ADULT SOCIAL WORKER/THERAPIST told me to do that. how insane. gosh i am in a fantastic mood. and i'm pretty sure she can convince my mom to let me have a social life by next weekend.

:D




so yeah.
oh and i think paige is gonna be pregnant on degrassi.
just so you know.
:D

Z100 PICK ME!

DO ITT!

i came here to make you dance tonight

i don't care about my guilty pleasure for you
shut up cause we won't stop
and we're getting down till the sun's coming up

random facts?
i think so.

1. i dance around my house all the time
2. i sing at the top of my lungs
3. i watch baby movies like winnie the pooh
4. i love disney channel
5. no matter how much i dislike miley cyrus, i still rock out to rockstar. its just too catchy
6. i adore gilmore girls
7. i love corny chick books
8. i am ADDICTED to Seventeen and COSMOGirl!
9. i constantly want to buy magazines like Popstar! and TigerBeat but never do
10. now that i am watching hannah monatana, yes i do that sometimes. i dont dislike her as much.
11. sometimes i fish for compliments cause i feel gross. but then i get mad at myself for doing it.
12. i love pop culture.
13. like i love understanding pop references like in gilmore girls that no one else gets.
14. i hate getting yelled at.
15. sometimes i get in homework moods.
16. then i'll do like 3 marge packets and a math ditto in one night.
17. but i usually don't
18. some people think im dumb
19. but im not, and i know im smarter than a lot of people.
20. sometimes i worry that i come off as cocky
21. sometimes i worry too much about what people think of me.
22. i have full arguments in my head with my mother, before i actually have them.
23. cause hse is that predictable and so am i.
24. i have funny toe nails.
25. i really like green.
26. i daydream like crazy.
27. sometimes i secretly hope someone famous will come across my blog or myspace and be like wow she's cool.
28. theres a bird hopping around my heating units outside.
29. i call the heating units R2D2 and C3PO
30. i am a nerdlet
31. i hate procrastinating, but its my life style 100%
32. sometimes i wish i had some sort of visible ethnicity.
33. i love listening to old pop.
34. im listening to aaron carter at the moment.
35. i've never grown out of the backstreet boys, i'll always love those kids.
36. once i like a type of music, i don't stop.
37. i worry that people think im a copy cat, or unoriginal.
38. i hate the fact that my house is messy, but i love when other peoples are.
39. it bothers me that i never have people over cause i live so far from bel air.
40. im actually really good at geometry.
41. im also really good at bs-ing and making things up on the spot.
42. but thats only like with excuses or explanations in class, otherwise im not very creative.
43. i doubt i could ever write lyrics or music.
44. but i really want to.


more later?

and i was positive that unless i got myself together i would watch me fall apart.

okay.
so today was pretty awesome, not gonna lie.
actually i had a revelation today.
telling the truth, makes you feel SO much better than anything else.
if you didn't know, i've been basically living a lie or hiding stuff from my parents basically all school year. there was always something i wasn't telling them. or something i wasn't telling someone. on sunday it ALL came out. i mean basically everything that i have ever hid this year and it sucked that day, but now i realize that it feels amazing not having anything hidden. i really really want to keep that up. im ready for a care free summer. but not so care free that i don't do my homework. i am trying for straight a's and maybe a b this quarter. second honors at least. and its gonna be hard, but i need it now. so yeah


thats it really i guess.
here are some lyrics.
they are fantastic.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.


its scary how much that applies to me.
i literally listened to it on a bus in france, and it took everything in me to not have a full on panic attack/breakdown.



done done done done.

the words i couldnt say

okay.
this is for a billion and four different people
but you know what its the honest truth. not holding back.

1. oh my goodness girl you are the reason i am still sane. i love how close we have become this year. you really are one of the two people i missed most while in france. i adore you. i highly doubt that i could survive if you ever left JC. i have never ever ever been mad at you. its fantastic. i love you. and no matter what you say, you have a beautiful voice.

2. you are the other girl i really really missed while i was in france. i love all of your quirks really i do. you can be conceited, but who isnt?! you are my best friend. and always will be. the fact taht we can talk for hours about nothing or everything is amazing. and really you are the other reason i am still sane.

3. you are crazy, literally, but really i love you with all my heart you are like sunshine. even though sometimes it seems like an act you can always brighten my day and i thank you for that. i will always be here for you. there is no reason for you to leave before your time. never.

4. you have changed so much this year, it kinda really worries me. you are starting to get a reputation, not gonna lie, you are but i will always be there for you girl. always. now this is pretty harsh, but i really don't get why you think you are better than me at everything. so what you have done stuff with guys, so what your grades are better than mine. i take harder classes, i just dont apply myself, really i will show you this quarter. you will see that no matter what, i will let myself feel inferior to you ever again.

5. i met you this year, and i can't believe how fun it is to be around you. you are just too funny.

6. we have started to grow apart, it terrifies me. we have been best friends since sixth grade, but now it seems like we barely talk. i miss you so much. i know its the fact that we are at different schools, and we are both maturing but i have no idea how to fix us. hopefully a few movie nights can make it all better.

7. you are so upfront and loud all the time. you are brutally honest, and i admire you for it. im sad that we just got so close, and you leave for college soon.

8. i kind of wish you went to JC. we wouldn't only be friends during the summer. and who knows there might actually be something between us. but don't worry, i wont be falling for you this summer. we can just chill at the pool like always.

9. you are the single sweetest guy i think i have ever met. we've grown apart since last year, but i think we might start to hang again. i hope we do, cause you can always make me smile, you give THE best advice of ANYONE i know.

10. i really really liked you last winter. you are a total player though. you are gorgeous, not gonna lie, but still you are pretty arrogant. if you weren't such a flirt, maybe you could actually get a girlfriend.

11. you make me really mad almost everytime you open your mouth, but i still kind of missed you when i was gone.

12. we were friends last year. then you changed. i know you had good reason. but i really don't like you that much anymore. i dont know why. but its just not the same.

13. you are the reason i am trying so hard this quarter. i want to be you i really wish i had your self control and i will always envy how easy it is for you. you are the reason i want to apply myself more.

14. wow, girl last year you annoyed me more than anything. this year, i gave you a second chance, and now we have bonded over those three boys. i admire your intensity, some are intimidated. but i love you for it.

15. i liked you too much last year. you are lame.

16. i met you this year. i love how well we have bonded over twilight and cobra starship. tuesdays are amazing because you are there for chilling with. i have a feeling we are going to be A LOT closer by the end of our time at JC.

17. you are an asshole, you were nice in disney, now you are just obnoxious.

18. you are an asshole too. im nice to you sometimes cause you talk football with me, but the fact that you are such an ass to torrey and have apparently changed since eighth grade pisses me off.

19. i admire your voice, i really have always wanted to be able to sing, and its so natural to you! you have always been SO nice to me in jazz band. i was the quietish freshman last year and you accepted me. thanks for that

20. you will never read this. or almost never. but really, i love everything about you. from your voice and smile to your values and your kindheartedness you have me. i hate to admit it cause it sounds weird and too idk, but if i ever met, and got to have a decent conversation with you, i really do think that we could be something. yes i know i will never be the next mrs. you but hey. i can dream. and at least im not obnoxious about it right?

21. i dont hate you. you irritate me to no end, but i want to meet you and see if its all an act or what. you are a bad role model, or at least it seems that you are. but who knows. some people put up an act they think is the right one and it isnt. so whatever.


more later.
i have to go to softball.

damn you mr. english teacher. damn you.

according to my crack head english teacher.
i dont deserve to be in honors.
the fact that i screwed up first quarter, and a little more second quarter.
even if i wrote an AMAZING paper, even though i had ABOVE average PSAT scores. even though i do well on taking tests for books i havent even READ that i do not have what it takes to be in honors. so NOW i have to go the long way, and convince 3948048328429034 adults that i am not AN IDIOT. you dont understand. i can not STAND being in class with stupid people. i refuse to be taken out of honors. especially since ENGLISH is waht i want to do. writing is what i do. all i want is to be. i can't be a sports writer/ get into northwestern with regular english classes. i mean. seriously. i wrote this paper, and my teacher hated it he GAVE it a 65. i didnt earn a 65. he gave it to me. it was a research paper and he told me it sounded too much like a sports editorial. WELL HELLO! goddamnit! later he tells me that i need to step it up. and i have. he also told me that i had what it takes to be a sports writer. he's just too dumb to recommend me for honors. if he isn't gonna make it easy. im gonna fight him on it. i dont care what he says. i WILL NOT take this shit. i REFUSE to be a stupid kid.

old blogs

so i have a tendency to rant, used to have a blog where i did all of it. but i lost the password so now we are here. previous rants? i think i will share here.
:]

october 2007

certain types people really really bother me.
such as:
people who think they now it all.
insanely stubborn people who's mind can't be changed.
people who are just flat out rude.
people with no sense of self control.
people who belittle others just so they can feel better about themselves.
bullies.
people who complain non-stop.
people who dont care for others.
and hypocrites.
which i might be one by posting this.
and maybe this is me characterizing my faults.
and people who have constant "diarrhea of the mouth"
you know?
like people who just dont know what not to say in front of others.
some people think of it as brutally honest.
i think of it as more,
RUDE BEYOND ALL BELIEF!
please learn how to control yourself?!
thanks a lot.
and if you think your one of those people.
please try and change.
thanks.

desperate people are even more annoying.
a good friend of mine recently commented on the fact that i never need a guy.
and i realized.
that i am glad that im not one of those insanely desperate people.
i dont always need a guy.
lets just say.
hypothetically of course.
that there is a girl in my class.
who is lets see...
a poser.
a suck up.
a gossip girl.
an UGLY whore.
and lamer than lame.
and shes desperate.
she is always OBSESSED.
with one guy or another.
she is like saran wrap.
she gets the slightest bit of attention from guys,
and falls "in love" with him.
it makes me so effing mad.
cause she is more annoying than anything.
and yeah.
this one is kinda lame.
cause im too tired to get really into it.
but yeah.
thats all i guess.
:]

this was my main mental breakdown 2 months ago

so i feel like i am falling apart. no joke i am always exhausted, and just things have been really up and down lately. things either suck, or are really great for like a day. Im either in a really good mood, or being a total bitch, and i hate it. Im being mean to my friends, and getting pissed off by the littlest things. like in one situation, i am really just sick and tired of two girls that i love to death. for no apparent reason they have been annoying the shit out of me. wll there is a reason for one of them. but thats a really long story. and i dont want to confront her about it because its her business not mine, i shouldnt care about how she goes about her relationships, but i do. and i feel like nosey or something, but things bother me and i cant help it. and i can't figure out who i like. well i know one person, but you dont understand, i can not like this kid, seriously its horrible. he has a girlfriend, hes one of my best guy friends, and he has been going out with this girl for like eight months. i do not want to like this kid at all. i really dont. i liked him last year, and thought that i got over him. i mean i liked a million other guys after i thought i was over him, not that i went out with him, he didnt like me like that. but idk i cant think of anyone else, plus no one at my school has ever really shown interest in me at the same time i liked them, or i dont like them like that, and i dont want to feel like i am settling. but still, i feel like i need a boyfriend, or at least a solid crush to pursue. who knows. this isnt cool at all. rawr. i feel like im just spread so thin these days, and grades are about to come in, and i failed english. that doesnt happen i dont fail anything. especially english, and its not like im just ignoring everything because i got a's and b's in all of my classes except english. it must be something about this teacher. i mean he is an odd duck, and he grades soo weirdly, its not cool and he weighs the most points on the things i am bad at. like homework, or bringing books to class. easy stuff right? no not really im so disorganized. and i am living in fear of the mail coming cause my parents are going to be soooooo soooooo mad, but maybe i can reason with them. PLUS all my stress related issues from last year and well all of my life are coming back, and that will make everything so much worse, so im probably going to have to go back to seeing a therapist so that i can just like vent this all. i mean i was seriously considering hurting myself so that my parents would ignore the bad grade. i mean if i dont do well in this class the teacher wont write me a good recommendation for a journalism class, and thats what i want to do with my life, so i would be screwed. for the rest of my life, if i couldnt take that class. i mean yeah there would be ways, but how is one supposed to get into a good journalism program with out ever taking a journalism class.
ahhhk.
i feel a lot better now thought.
ahhh. well who knows whats going to happen next.
but hopefully things will be okay.
?

revelation time!

i think that i push guys away. or i pick guys that i can't have a relationship with. i find a guy that i like and it seems that he never likes me. but i am starting to think that i like guys who won't like me or who have some big thing so that we couldnt be something more than friends. i mean i am starting to like this guy. i liked him a little bit a few weeks ago, but then i kinda didnt, but now i do again. but im not sure why cause i know that i dont have any chance, or at least not for a while because i know for a fact that he doesnt like me, infact i know exactly who he likes. that made me thnk that i was purposefully "falling" for guys with strings attached...yah know?! its not cool at all. i really dont know why i do this. its not good at all. and i mean last year i liked a kid who i knew wasnt over a friend of mine. and this is not cool, i hate it, wish i could find a way to yah know let it happen on its own? yah know just like chill with guys until one who likes me comes along.
hmm.
i think i'll ponder that for a while.

get out of my own fucking way thats what i need to do, i need to learn to not attach myself to guys who like other girls, or girl who have girlfriends. i mean there is liking a challenge, and then there is like happiness prevention or something. cause i want something amazing like what my friends have, but i put up barriers, or make up excuses or like i have said before, pick guys who dont like me, or wont like me. what the fuck is wrong with me!? lol i mean seriously i need like reality check or something, or to try and really just not fall for a guy, yah know? like just like not havea crush and then when someone comes along, just let things happen, i need to just chill with guys. ahhhh i am now like not making a decision about a guy until i really know, like there arent strings attached, etc etc etc. hmm. yeah.
ahhh just saying.