"therapy is a load of shit"

and so is that.
therapy is fantastic.
yes everyone, i'm in it! fun shit but you know what. i love that woman. she made me feel so much better, and really now i know what happened. why i fucked up. and how to fix it. i mean really this woman knows me better than i know myself. but i just thought i would elaborate a little. apparently, i tried to rebel, tried to show my parents that i'm not perfect, and it worked, and now i get to fix it. which i will, and you know how cool this woman is? she basically told me to go drink, try pot, tell my parents im going one place and really go to another. an ADULT SOCIAL WORKER/THERAPIST told me to do that. how insane. gosh i am in a fantastic mood. and i'm pretty sure she can convince my mom to let me have a social life by next weekend.

:D




so yeah.
oh and i think paige is gonna be pregnant on degrassi.
just so you know.
:D

Z100 PICK ME!

DO ITT!

i came here to make you dance tonight

i don't care about my guilty pleasure for you
shut up cause we won't stop
and we're getting down till the sun's coming up

random facts?
i think so.

1. i dance around my house all the time
2. i sing at the top of my lungs
3. i watch baby movies like winnie the pooh
4. i love disney channel
5. no matter how much i dislike miley cyrus, i still rock out to rockstar. its just too catchy
6. i adore gilmore girls
7. i love corny chick books
8. i am ADDICTED to Seventeen and COSMOGirl!
9. i constantly want to buy magazines like Popstar! and TigerBeat but never do
10. now that i am watching hannah monatana, yes i do that sometimes. i dont dislike her as much.
11. sometimes i fish for compliments cause i feel gross. but then i get mad at myself for doing it.
12. i love pop culture.
13. like i love understanding pop references like in gilmore girls that no one else gets.
14. i hate getting yelled at.
15. sometimes i get in homework moods.
16. then i'll do like 3 marge packets and a math ditto in one night.
17. but i usually don't
18. some people think im dumb
19. but im not, and i know im smarter than a lot of people.
20. sometimes i worry that i come off as cocky
21. sometimes i worry too much about what people think of me.
22. i have full arguments in my head with my mother, before i actually have them.
23. cause hse is that predictable and so am i.
24. i have funny toe nails.
25. i really like green.
26. i daydream like crazy.
27. sometimes i secretly hope someone famous will come across my blog or myspace and be like wow she's cool.
28. theres a bird hopping around my heating units outside.
29. i call the heating units R2D2 and C3PO
30. i am a nerdlet
31. i hate procrastinating, but its my life style 100%
32. sometimes i wish i had some sort of visible ethnicity.
33. i love listening to old pop.
34. im listening to aaron carter at the moment.
35. i've never grown out of the backstreet boys, i'll always love those kids.
36. once i like a type of music, i don't stop.
37. i worry that people think im a copy cat, or unoriginal.
38. i hate the fact that my house is messy, but i love when other peoples are.
39. it bothers me that i never have people over cause i live so far from bel air.
40. im actually really good at geometry.
41. im also really good at bs-ing and making things up on the spot.
42. but thats only like with excuses or explanations in class, otherwise im not very creative.
43. i doubt i could ever write lyrics or music.
44. but i really want to.


more later?

and i was positive that unless i got myself together i would watch me fall apart.

okay.
so today was pretty awesome, not gonna lie.
actually i had a revelation today.
telling the truth, makes you feel SO much better than anything else.
if you didn't know, i've been basically living a lie or hiding stuff from my parents basically all school year. there was always something i wasn't telling them. or something i wasn't telling someone. on sunday it ALL came out. i mean basically everything that i have ever hid this year and it sucked that day, but now i realize that it feels amazing not having anything hidden. i really really want to keep that up. im ready for a care free summer. but not so care free that i don't do my homework. i am trying for straight a's and maybe a b this quarter. second honors at least. and its gonna be hard, but i need it now. so yeah


thats it really i guess.
here are some lyrics.
they are fantastic.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.


its scary how much that applies to me.
i literally listened to it on a bus in france, and it took everything in me to not have a full on panic attack/breakdown.



done done done done.

the words i couldnt say

okay.
this is for a billion and four different people
but you know what its the honest truth. not holding back.

1. oh my goodness girl you are the reason i am still sane. i love how close we have become this year. you really are one of the two people i missed most while in france. i adore you. i highly doubt that i could survive if you ever left JC. i have never ever ever been mad at you. its fantastic. i love you. and no matter what you say, you have a beautiful voice.

2. you are the other girl i really really missed while i was in france. i love all of your quirks really i do. you can be conceited, but who isnt?! you are my best friend. and always will be. the fact taht we can talk for hours about nothing or everything is amazing. and really you are the other reason i am still sane.

3. you are crazy, literally, but really i love you with all my heart you are like sunshine. even though sometimes it seems like an act you can always brighten my day and i thank you for that. i will always be here for you. there is no reason for you to leave before your time. never.

4. you have changed so much this year, it kinda really worries me. you are starting to get a reputation, not gonna lie, you are but i will always be there for you girl. always. now this is pretty harsh, but i really don't get why you think you are better than me at everything. so what you have done stuff with guys, so what your grades are better than mine. i take harder classes, i just dont apply myself, really i will show you this quarter. you will see that no matter what, i will let myself feel inferior to you ever again.

5. i met you this year, and i can't believe how fun it is to be around you. you are just too funny.

6. we have started to grow apart, it terrifies me. we have been best friends since sixth grade, but now it seems like we barely talk. i miss you so much. i know its the fact that we are at different schools, and we are both maturing but i have no idea how to fix us. hopefully a few movie nights can make it all better.

7. you are so upfront and loud all the time. you are brutally honest, and i admire you for it. im sad that we just got so close, and you leave for college soon.

8. i kind of wish you went to JC. we wouldn't only be friends during the summer. and who knows there might actually be something between us. but don't worry, i wont be falling for you this summer. we can just chill at the pool like always.

9. you are the single sweetest guy i think i have ever met. we've grown apart since last year, but i think we might start to hang again. i hope we do, cause you can always make me smile, you give THE best advice of ANYONE i know.

10. i really really liked you last winter. you are a total player though. you are gorgeous, not gonna lie, but still you are pretty arrogant. if you weren't such a flirt, maybe you could actually get a girlfriend.

11. you make me really mad almost everytime you open your mouth, but i still kind of missed you when i was gone.

12. we were friends last year. then you changed. i know you had good reason. but i really don't like you that much anymore. i dont know why. but its just not the same.

13. you are the reason i am trying so hard this quarter. i want to be you i really wish i had your self control and i will always envy how easy it is for you. you are the reason i want to apply myself more.

14. wow, girl last year you annoyed me more than anything. this year, i gave you a second chance, and now we have bonded over those three boys. i admire your intensity, some are intimidated. but i love you for it.

15. i liked you too much last year. you are lame.

16. i met you this year. i love how well we have bonded over twilight and cobra starship. tuesdays are amazing because you are there for chilling with. i have a feeling we are going to be A LOT closer by the end of our time at JC.

17. you are an asshole, you were nice in disney, now you are just obnoxious.

18. you are an asshole too. im nice to you sometimes cause you talk football with me, but the fact that you are such an ass to torrey and have apparently changed since eighth grade pisses me off.

19. i admire your voice, i really have always wanted to be able to sing, and its so natural to you! you have always been SO nice to me in jazz band. i was the quietish freshman last year and you accepted me. thanks for that

20. you will never read this. or almost never. but really, i love everything about you. from your voice and smile to your values and your kindheartedness you have me. i hate to admit it cause it sounds weird and too idk, but if i ever met, and got to have a decent conversation with you, i really do think that we could be something. yes i know i will never be the next mrs. you but hey. i can dream. and at least im not obnoxious about it right?

21. i dont hate you. you irritate me to no end, but i want to meet you and see if its all an act or what. you are a bad role model, or at least it seems that you are. but who knows. some people put up an act they think is the right one and it isnt. so whatever.


more later.
i have to go to softball.