damn you mr. english teacher. damn you.

according to my crack head english teacher.
i dont deserve to be in honors.
the fact that i screwed up first quarter, and a little more second quarter.
even if i wrote an AMAZING paper, even though i had ABOVE average PSAT scores. even though i do well on taking tests for books i havent even READ that i do not have what it takes to be in honors. so NOW i have to go the long way, and convince 3948048328429034 adults that i am not AN IDIOT. you dont understand. i can not STAND being in class with stupid people. i refuse to be taken out of honors. especially since ENGLISH is waht i want to do. writing is what i do. all i want is to be. i can't be a sports writer/ get into northwestern with regular english classes. i mean. seriously. i wrote this paper, and my teacher hated it he GAVE it a 65. i didnt earn a 65. he gave it to me. it was a research paper and he told me it sounded too much like a sports editorial. WELL HELLO! goddamnit! later he tells me that i need to step it up. and i have. he also told me that i had what it takes to be a sports writer. he's just too dumb to recommend me for honors. if he isn't gonna make it easy. im gonna fight him on it. i dont care what he says. i WILL NOT take this shit. i REFUSE to be a stupid kid.

old blogs

so i have a tendency to rant, used to have a blog where i did all of it. but i lost the password so now we are here. previous rants? i think i will share here.
:]

october 2007

certain types people really really bother me.
such as:
people who think they now it all.
insanely stubborn people who's mind can't be changed.
people who are just flat out rude.
people with no sense of self control.
people who belittle others just so they can feel better about themselves.
bullies.
people who complain non-stop.
people who dont care for others.
and hypocrites.
which i might be one by posting this.
and maybe this is me characterizing my faults.
and people who have constant "diarrhea of the mouth"
you know?
like people who just dont know what not to say in front of others.
some people think of it as brutally honest.
i think of it as more,
RUDE BEYOND ALL BELIEF!
please learn how to control yourself?!
thanks a lot.
and if you think your one of those people.
please try and change.
thanks.

desperate people are even more annoying.
a good friend of mine recently commented on the fact that i never need a guy.
and i realized.
that i am glad that im not one of those insanely desperate people.
i dont always need a guy.
lets just say.
hypothetically of course.
that there is a girl in my class.
who is lets see...
a poser.
a suck up.
a gossip girl.
an UGLY whore.
and lamer than lame.
and shes desperate.
she is always OBSESSED.
with one guy or another.
she is like saran wrap.
she gets the slightest bit of attention from guys,
and falls "in love" with him.
it makes me so effing mad.
cause she is more annoying than anything.
and yeah.
this one is kinda lame.
cause im too tired to get really into it.
but yeah.
thats all i guess.
:]

this was my main mental breakdown 2 months ago

so i feel like i am falling apart. no joke i am always exhausted, and just things have been really up and down lately. things either suck, or are really great for like a day. Im either in a really good mood, or being a total bitch, and i hate it. Im being mean to my friends, and getting pissed off by the littlest things. like in one situation, i am really just sick and tired of two girls that i love to death. for no apparent reason they have been annoying the shit out of me. wll there is a reason for one of them. but thats a really long story. and i dont want to confront her about it because its her business not mine, i shouldnt care about how she goes about her relationships, but i do. and i feel like nosey or something, but things bother me and i cant help it. and i can't figure out who i like. well i know one person, but you dont understand, i can not like this kid, seriously its horrible. he has a girlfriend, hes one of my best guy friends, and he has been going out with this girl for like eight months. i do not want to like this kid at all. i really dont. i liked him last year, and thought that i got over him. i mean i liked a million other guys after i thought i was over him, not that i went out with him, he didnt like me like that. but idk i cant think of anyone else, plus no one at my school has ever really shown interest in me at the same time i liked them, or i dont like them like that, and i dont want to feel like i am settling. but still, i feel like i need a boyfriend, or at least a solid crush to pursue. who knows. this isnt cool at all. rawr. i feel like im just spread so thin these days, and grades are about to come in, and i failed english. that doesnt happen i dont fail anything. especially english, and its not like im just ignoring everything because i got a's and b's in all of my classes except english. it must be something about this teacher. i mean he is an odd duck, and he grades soo weirdly, its not cool and he weighs the most points on the things i am bad at. like homework, or bringing books to class. easy stuff right? no not really im so disorganized. and i am living in fear of the mail coming cause my parents are going to be soooooo soooooo mad, but maybe i can reason with them. PLUS all my stress related issues from last year and well all of my life are coming back, and that will make everything so much worse, so im probably going to have to go back to seeing a therapist so that i can just like vent this all. i mean i was seriously considering hurting myself so that my parents would ignore the bad grade. i mean if i dont do well in this class the teacher wont write me a good recommendation for a journalism class, and thats what i want to do with my life, so i would be screwed. for the rest of my life, if i couldnt take that class. i mean yeah there would be ways, but how is one supposed to get into a good journalism program with out ever taking a journalism class.
ahhhk.
i feel a lot better now thought.
ahhh. well who knows whats going to happen next.
but hopefully things will be okay.
?

revelation time!

i think that i push guys away. or i pick guys that i can't have a relationship with. i find a guy that i like and it seems that he never likes me. but i am starting to think that i like guys who won't like me or who have some big thing so that we couldnt be something more than friends. i mean i am starting to like this guy. i liked him a little bit a few weeks ago, but then i kinda didnt, but now i do again. but im not sure why cause i know that i dont have any chance, or at least not for a while because i know for a fact that he doesnt like me, infact i know exactly who he likes. that made me thnk that i was purposefully "falling" for guys with strings attached...yah know?! its not cool at all. i really dont know why i do this. its not good at all. and i mean last year i liked a kid who i knew wasnt over a friend of mine. and this is not cool, i hate it, wish i could find a way to yah know let it happen on its own? yah know just like chill with guys until one who likes me comes along.
hmm.
i think i'll ponder that for a while.

get out of my own fucking way thats what i need to do, i need to learn to not attach myself to guys who like other girls, or girl who have girlfriends. i mean there is liking a challenge, and then there is like happiness prevention or something. cause i want something amazing like what my friends have, but i put up barriers, or make up excuses or like i have said before, pick guys who dont like me, or wont like me. what the fuck is wrong with me!? lol i mean seriously i need like reality check or something, or to try and really just not fall for a guy, yah know? like just like not havea crush and then when someone comes along, just let things happen, i need to just chill with guys. ahhhh i am now like not making a decision about a guy until i really know, like there arent strings attached, etc etc etc. hmm. yeah.
ahhh just saying.